I thought I saw his lights go on.

“Oh my god am I being pulled over?”

Deja vu to last month when I got pulled over for making an illegal left turn that everyone makes but I’m the sucker who gets pulled over for it. Of course. And without my license on me or current registration to boot. Oh, and did I mention I was raging drunk as well? I wasn’t, but wouldn’t that have been hilarious.

I make my way over to the side of the road. As I approach the middle lane, his lights turn on. He proceeds to pull me over about half a minute after I perceive him to be pulling me over.

Did I, in fact, just pull myself over? I did? Oh, good. I’ve spent all my life wondering if, secretly, I might be genius. Now that I’ve been relieved of that burden, I can move on to other things like learning how to walk and chew gum. You know. At the same time.

I sit patiently, waiting for him to discover that YES even though a month has passed since my last run-in with the law, my car is still not registered in the great state of California. I’m sorry I have more important things to do with my life than get my car smogged, DMV. Did I mention the thing about learning to walk and chew gum? It takes time.

“License and registration?”

“…About that…” [Lengthy explanation.] “Oh, and why exactly did you pull me over?”

“Well…you were acting like I should pull you over.”

Oh you mean because I pulled myself over? I can see how that might give one a certain impression of things.

$200 in ticket fines later, my car is finally registered. Learning lessons the hard way is my specialty.

Oh, and side note: I left out the part where his first answer was “Because I’m a cop” because, well, that just makes him look bad. And this story is not about how douchey law enforcement can be. This story is about you being jealous of how smart I am.

Good job, me!